Just a Mexican Living in a Ghetto

BY CARLOS GODINEZ

 

I Always Thought He Was A Cop.

A Real Cop.

The Polo Shirt. The Patch.

The Handcuffs.

The Squad Car.

He’d Take Me.

 Take Me Often.

Red Lights, He’d Run.

Siren Blaring.

Lights flashing.

 

I’m Gonna

 Put Your Brothers in Jail

He Said

If You Tell Anyone.

Anyone.

You’re Just a Mexican

Living in a Ghetto

Who’s Gonna Believe YOU?

A Mexican

Living In a Ghetto.

 

Dark It Was.

He’d Give Me A Ride Home

He Said.

I Was

Playing Football.

At PAL.

The Police Athletic League

He Wasn’t

WASN’T EVER

No Way in Hell

My Pal

 

His Name Was Uller

Rhymes with Ruler

Eric Uller.

White, Rich

Arrogant.

A Doctor

His Father Was.

 

He Didn’t Drive Me Home.

No.

He Took Me

To a Cemetery

In His Squad Car

I’m Only

Thirteen.

Thirteen I Am.

It Was Dark. Big Trees.

Why?

Why’d He Take Me.

To A Cemetery?

 

I’m Scared. Real Scared.

He Starts

Grabbing My Crotch.

Grabbing My Crotch.

Then He

Made Me

Jerk Him Off.

I Was Scared.

Didn’t Know What to Do.

Then He

Jerked Me Off.

Sucked My Cock.

He’s A Cop.

He Sucked My Cock.

 

Don’ Tell Anyone

He Said.

Who’s Gonna Believe You.

Who’s Gonna Believe YOU?

You’re Just a Mexican

Living in a Ghetto.

A Mexican  

Living In a Ghetto.

 

Uller

Did A Number on Me.

Really Fucked Me Up.

I Always Thought

He Was A Cop.

A Real Cop.

The German Shepard.

The Unmarked Police Car.

 

I Come

from A Big Family

We All Lived

in

Two-Bedroom Apartment.

Two Bedrooms.

Santa Monica

The Pico Area

Santa Monica.

 

It Was So.

So Fucked Up.

I’m wondering

If I’m Gay?

Or Crazy?

I’m Embarrassed.

Scared.

Grossed Out.

Every Fuckin’ Emotion.

I Couldn’t Imagine

Couldn’t Ever Imagine

Anything Like That.

 

I Was Totally

into Sports.

I Had No

Sexual Experience.

None.

Nothing.

Before Uller

 

I Didn’t Talk

To Anyone.

About this.

It Made Me

Aggressive.

Fighting.

Always Fighting

 

I Wasn’t

Like That

Before.

I Never

Went Back

To PAL.

I Was Afraid.

Really Afraid.

 

What Uller Did to Me.

Fucked with.

Fucked with.

My Marriage.

I Never Told

My Wife.

 

Before Uller

I Adored Cops.

Even at PAL

Protect and Serve.

Protect and Serve.

I Wanted

Wanted

To Be A Cop.

I Looked Up

To Them.

 

I Grew Up

In A Ghetto.

My Neighborhood

Was Rough

Very Rough.

Drive Byes.

 

My Demeanor

Changed.

Changed.

My Whole Perspective on Life

Changed.

It Makes Me Angry

Still Pisses Me Off.

 

The Windows

Of His Squad Car

Were Tinted.

It Was Getting

Dark

I Was Scared.

So Fuckin’ Scared.

It Took Forever.

Time Stood Still

 

It Was

So Fucked Up.

I Went

To The Other Side.

Right Away.

Fighting

Angry

At Everyone.

Teachers, Parents.

I Was Really

Fucked Up.

 

They Kicked

Kicked

Me Out Of High School.

For Fighting.

I Slammed

A Teacher

To the Floor.

I Was Mad.

Mad.

 

Before Uller.

I Never Did Drugs.

I Was

Just A Kid

Having Fun.

A Cool Kid.

Looking Forward

To Being A Cop

 

After Uller.

I Was Embarrassed.

Confused.

I Tried Fighting.

Thinking About

Suicide

Didn’t Know Who

To Ask for Help.

It Fucks You Up.

In So Many Ways.

It Was

A Big Brick

A Big Brick

On My Back.

 

I Can Still

Feel His Vibe.

Even Now.

I Stopped Going

To PAL.

Stopped Going.

Why? My Dad Asked Me

Why?

Are You OK?

 

I Was Sacred

 To Say Anything.

I Didn’t Want My Father

To Think Less of Me.

I Don’t Wish That

On Anyone.

Not Anyone.

 

Drugs Became

My Escape.

To Forget.

Become Numb.

I had So Much Hatred

So Much Hatred.

 

Uller

Turned My World

Upside Down.

I’ve Had A Rough Life.

Fights. Arrests.

Homeless.

 

I’m Still

Upset.

This Could’ve Been

Avoided.

They Should’ve

Known.

Police Should’ve Known.

It Was

Total Bullshit.

Total Bullshit It Was

 

Every Situation

I’m in Now

The Abuse Is there.  

It’s Always There.

The By-Product

It’s Always There.

 

Last Time

The last time

I Was Arrested

They Put Me In the Hole.

Only A Week.

But It Seemed

Like Forever.

I Felt Like

Committing Suicide.

Again.

 

Don’ Tell Anyone

He Said.

Who’s Gonna Believe YOU?

You’re Just a Mexican

Living in a Ghetto.

A Mexican 

In a Ghetto.

Carlos Godinez - “After the Eric Uller catastrophe, I dedicated myself to fighting - to unleash the rage I was feeling, and drugs - to obliterate the memories I had. The fallout was predictable. I went nowhere fast. A few notable jobs came my way; like MTV, for one. But for the most part, there’s been more misery, than not. Playing with words, and finding my voice, has been helpful.

The City of Santa Monica, California, could face over 100 new payouts for sexual abuse of children under their watch, in what lawyers describe as the biggest compensation for a single predator case in history.

Former Santa Monica Police Department (SMPD) staffer Eric Uller molested scores of kids while volunteering at the Police Activities League (PAL), a non-profit for underprivileged youth, in the 1980s and 1990s.

Excerpt from an article in the Daily Mail

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